Fall Blues

Fall has come and so it seems I’m going through a weird time, one of indecision and uncertainty, with vague aches and pains, migraine headaches and a stuff body that is refusing to move as I direct it. Why? Well to be frank – I don’t know nor do I understand it.

This time of uncertainly is not the first such episode of my life, and does seem to come more often in the fall than any other time of the year. The first visit occurred in the fall of 1966 and I remember it well. I was in the 7th grade. Me and a friend of mine were walking around Chesapeake Junior High at lunch – that’s what we did, we ate and then because we thought we were too old to play on the monkey bars or giant stride, we walked around the building until the bell rang sending us to our afternoon classes. I vividly recall my emotions (I hesitate to refer to them as thoughts, they just seemed to out of control to be that) as they twirled and swirled around inside me; emotions of indecision and uncertainty, of longing for something (maybe love?) and stability; something that I could grasp onto and make some kind of sense of for my life. I remember thinking would things ever really be different?

As we walked the topic turned to children and a longing so strong rose up in me. I could actually feel the weight of my child in my arms and that sweet smell of baby whiffed up into my nose and my senses. I felt, what I thought had to be, perfect love. As that thought passed another replaced it, in my mind’s eye there was me and I was surrounded by 5 or 6 of the blackest children I had ever laid my eyes on ranging in age from about 2 to 4 years. In my arms I cradled a black baby, perfectly soft, perfectly created and sleeping restfully. This vision was quite a shock to me, since I was totally surrounded by white. The town was white, the school - white, everybody there was white, so much so that when in the 8th grade a student enrolled that was from Puerto Rico he became an instant hit not because he had such a winning personality but because he was a novelty. As this picture began to fade, and while I didn’t have a strong understanding of the word, I clearly heard “missions” spoken to me. At that point I knew I was being called to something beyond myself and my current understanding.

This event so impacted my being that to this day I can describe to you how my hair was styled and exactly what I was wearing. But, I didn’t tell a soul. Never once in the following 30 years did I tell anyone about this event! At the age of 12 I simply did not have a frame of reference to explain the vision (and yes it was a vision, I’m certain of that) or to explain how I clearly heard the one word directive. I couldn’t even speak it in my thoughts that God had spoken to me, how was I going to explain it to anyone else?

So I filed the memory away, got past what I eventually came to call my fall blues and began living a life of my own choosing.

Falls came and went with varying stages of the blues and occasionally the memory of that vision in 1966 would be brought back to me, but as the years passed less frequently until eventually it had almost completely faded from my memory. And I had changed, my life had changed. I had two wonderful children that were the center of my world and my focus was on them until one day in the fall of 2002 it dawned on me that I was alone, with one adult child living in Texas and the other in Germany. I realized I was thoroughly dissatisfied with my life and decided I needed a change. So, God opened a door and I moved to the unlikely place of Cincinnati, OH. Wonderfully, my daughter, in Germany decided to join me so immediately my satisfaction level raised about 1000%!

Once here, I still had my “fall blues,” and after about 4 years God brought back to me that vision of so many falls ago, and along with that memory a new vision. In this one, I’m standing on a small knoll covered in dirt that is similar to red Georgia clay. It is hot and I’m dressed in some sort of wrap around multi colored skirt and t-shirt, I’m thinner than I am now and my hair is blowing gently in a small breeze, the sun so bright I have one hand over my eyes to shade them, my body tanned and my cheeks highlighted in red from a slight sunburn, and there are three beautiful black children clinging to the hem of my shirt while I hold a black toddler on my hip. I hear the word “missions” again, but this time it reverberates through my being and hits my heart with the heat of the tropics. I also hear two years and assume that I have two years to ready myself for this calling.

In those two years I complete studies at the Vineyard Leadership Institute and wait with anticipation for God to “reveal” to me His plan once I graduate. Graduation comes and goes, but I hear nothing. The summer after graduation comes and goes, still I hear nothing. So here I am, it’s the fall – the time of the year that is always the most difficult for me emotionally and I feel like I’m struggling to just get through each day. My body hurts, both shoulders stiff with limited range of motion, migraines that I have not really suffered with for many years have reappeared and are with me almost on a daily basis, I’m suffering pain in my left hip and in the lumbar region of my spine, and even with exercise my weight is not budging down even one pound. I’m a mess, but have decided to speak life and not death into the situation so am prodding on the best I can and trying not to complain.

I am praying for God’s leadership and direction. I am praying for healing and restoration and for the will and ability to make life changes that will impact my body weight and overall health. Praying for patience that I not jump ahead, but wait to hear from the One that does know what is best and will direct my path. Oh, I forgot to mention, when God brought that second vision to me, I asked Him, “How, how now at this old age and this current level of physical ability (or disability); with these health issues?” His answer was Joel 2:25 “Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust have eaten, the creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, my great army which I sent among you.” Wow, those locusts really do sound like so many aspects of my past, at my choosing I allowed them to swarm, creep, and strip and gnaw away at me – but God has promised restoration! I don't know what the future holds, or how God will use me but that's okay. These fall blues will pass and He will guide my path in His time and not mine.